God said I have to trust in people and then I can “go father than I ever dreamed” and that my inability to trust is what is holding me back creatively. God said I am afraid to let down my internally seeded guard because it would destroy my vision that people are evil. I reminded God of my entire life’s experience that proved people are evil, and he told me to “shush.”
It is odd to think that my vision of people as untrustworthy would hold back my creative impulses. Though it is true that is an insight that only God could point out. God said “I am happy to point them out. Because I *owe *you” though I don’t know what that means.
There were times in my life in which I was more creative in different ways than I am today. I am still being creative, but it never feels like I am reaching my point of faith. It is difficult. It perhaps common to feel stagnated. Though I recently had a realization that in a lot of periods of my life, not all, but most, even when I didn’t think I was being productive, I was being productive. However, God thinks I am only meeting part of my potential and if I do not let go of my fear and hate I will never know what it means to have a full and rich life. (“Sincerely,” God said)
This seems like simple self analysis, but perhaps I needed to hear it given the period we live in. I do not think I am going to make it though these times. That is, it is very easy and very “simple” (God’s word) to see myself as not making it through these times. The potential is real. The threat is real. The diagnosis is staggering. (God said I could say that last line)
For me learning to trust is like opening my heart of an imaginary space. I can’t see it. But I guess I am must believe it is there.
God is working on comforting me, despite my hardheadedness and joy in being solitary and justified in being so overwhelmed by society and life.