An article on eating disorders describes my relationship with speaking to “God”

In no way am I trying to say I know what it is like to live with an eating disorder, though depending on who you ask, I would. When I was younger I was always told I was too thin, and now just the opposite. But, no, I am only referring to this one sentence in this article that hit me hard. It is exactly what the concentration of speaking to “God” is like, whether it is only when writing poetry or when just needing to speak with “God” to try to get explanations for, well, everything, and that makes more sense for those of you who have been reading me long enough and navigated to my master’s thesis.

It requires relentless self-control while submitting to an all-consuming fixation.

I will say I am not able to speak to “God” very long, or things start to tunnel out of control. I have always been called “high functioning” – a label that is so condescending. This sentence. Intellectual and emotional self-control paired with letting go to the winds under an umbrella of fixation. That is it. And that was never what the subconscious signature was supposed to be by the way.