Measurements Upon Measurements (cross-posted)

My bruised rib has only got worse. My doctors office is closed on weekends. Also closed on evenings or I would have gone yesterday. Considering going to the emergency room. I really don’t want the extra hospital bill. I’m still paying off dentist. Not even sure I can afford another bill. Especially when I have no idea when student loan payments are going to start again. This sucks. I fainted towards the end of my shift yesterday. My boss doesn’t know yet because she was off work. The last thing I remember is I was getting dizzy and I started to reach for my phone to ask if being dizzy, plus a fever with a bruised rib was something I should be worried about. Next thing I remember I woke up still at work well past my shift. Of course, my boss won’t believe I fainted. She will think I fell asleep. After all these years she doesn’t believe that I am honest and competent.

So I did the natural thing and started applying for other jobs last night. I wish I could hear God tell me what to do, but all I could feel from God is that it is time for the next phase in my journey of a so-called life. I considered throwing myself in front of a truck, but God is very against that. God did tell me something highly interesting though. God said, for me at least, living in this society is a lot like having to pay alimony unfairly. I know. Most alimony cases are fair, but there are occasions when it is not. So the method in which I pay alimony to society is all I suffer from having to live here, and they are deserving of the alimony because they let me live here. That is the nature of our mutual arrangement. My existence determines what dues I have to pay because I am trapped here.

Really, I would trade any enlightening realizations about existence as alimony in exchange for the ability to cough. Which I can’t do with a bruised rib. But apparently God is not punishing me. I am told I am just entering the next stage in my life. I am told I am supposed to feel good about that. But my natural tendencies to expect the worse are holding me down. Also, God doesn’t want me to go to the airport and step off the plane homeless in California. God says there are big things in store for me and I should just wait. That is the second time I was told to just wait. Waiting for unknown outcomes is difficult. Also when God says there are big things in store for me, just like last time, there is a dual emotion in the hinting of what that might be, good or bad, but I was told good, but only my faith can make me strong enough to feel good about all this.

God has rescued me twice before. If God did want to rescue me this time, it is certainly possible. However, I can never let go of the many years I was left on my own and suffered to degrees that are quite unnatural. I mentioned that. God said that was so I could see. But then again, I am not one to believe that understanding comes from suffering. There are many other ways to teach someone without suffering. Or so I contend. This is all measurements upon measurements and clocks upon clocks, and God could always change their mind. But God said they won’t. That I’ll be happy with the outcome.