Never finding peace in my diagnosis. My new mission. My new resolve.

I have found the strength to re-awaken my lifeforce to get back working to climbing out of survival mode. I spent so many years working on climbing towards a liveable life. There were several cuts towards my plan, but I got back on the train and kept working. Then God allowed me to find a place to belong, where I could rest, but then I slowly resolved to giving up on continuing the good fight. I have spent the last few years just surviving. But life is more than just surviving. There are many obstacles for me to climb over and resolve. I am just going to have to take it on as one obstacle at a time.

I finally came to the realization that I have to take a lot more medication to even be close to stable than I had to when I was younger. Comparatively, it took so few medications when I was younger. Over time the amount of my medications has grown substantially. I have always been worried that if I live to be elderly, there will be no amount of medication to keep me stable. That is a fear I have. Looking at the increase in my medication it reminds of that fear.

But I have experience when finding a way to overcome obstacles. I am aware of all the obstacles I have right now. I know what I have to tackle first, and that just happens to be the most difficult because I have never done it before. I have successfully built a foundation to get there, but that does not mean I am there. It will be a great trial. If I find a way to succeed to overcome this first obstacle, I think every other obstacle will follow according to a natural order. That will make them all much easier. I am ready. I think before I thought I was ready, but I was not before.

All of my life there have been periods where I wake up to a certain awareness of my inner and outer life and that I need to move to another side of this life. I am here. Again. I hate that this clarity only visits me every few years. It is always the same. And I remember it all over again like meeting an old friend you have not seen in a while.

My disability makes it difficult to stay on track. I can still focus on what I love and I am still able to be myself. That is not the issue. The issue is becoming more and achieving more than where I am now. It is like stretching you back for the first time in a long time. The worse part of being disabled and having a challenging life is that you are always sidelined by the disability and takes time and effort and energy away from the focus required to grow into something more. That is where I am now. I am grateful that I have found resolve again. I have a new mission. The unfortunate part is that this is not just a one task mission. There are many moving parts. Now I am able wrap my head around it all, though. So that is something. The times are changing. I am ready to get on that surfboard and catch those approaching waves.